Home

I've been home a week now. Yesterday I was recounting to someone what I had done with my summer and his response was "Gosh, I bet you hate being back." I don't -- far from it. Of course I would have relished staying longer, and of course I don't like the fact that I have to come home to bills or laundry or the stark reality at the moment that I am unemployed. Yet, despite the fact that there will always be some wanderlust in me, I know I will always be happy to come home. I was almost ten when we left Ghana, and I think my child's memory of those goodbyes has imprinted a strong sense of "homebodiness" on me. Somewhere deep in my young unawareness was the knowledge that I would never see most of these people again -- people who had been a part of my home since my first memory. Now, somewhere deep in my adult awareness is the fear of saying those types of goodbyes. I still tear up when I pull away from my grandmother's or nana's house after a trip up to see them. I still get a bit misty when either one of my parents leaves the country for a bit. I cried talking to my nana right before I took off for Paris, and I was on the verge of tears saying goodbye to my hosts in Paris. Goodbyes will always be hard for me, even if they are simple, temporary ones. Yet, the emotion of leaving just makes the joy of returning even sweeter, and for that I am thankful. 

So, the grand question is, "Now what?" I quit my job, I left the country, I've come home, so now......what?

Since I resigned, it has been interesting to listen to friends' comments and suggestions regarding the next stage of my life. I realize that I have done something that many people wish they had done or could do at some point - quit their job and leave the country. I've done that, but now I'm back home and I think it is very easy to continue romanticizing what should happen next.

"Why didn't you just stay and teach in Paris?" "Why don't you teach overseas?" "Have you thought about relocating?" "You should start your doctorate!"

What is most interesting to me is not these suggestions (all of which I've of course considered - some for years on end -- and they do bother me a bit, because in the suggesting is the insinuation that I've not seriously considered them -- give me some credit, folks!), but the fact that they don't seem to quite buy my response, which at this point is simply to say "I've thought about that, but it doesn't feel quite right, and I have too many other doors here that I don't want to close just yet." Once this comes out of my mouth, I can see the ticker-tape in their heads clicking with she just isn't ready to really take a big risk, she is so tied to that church performing arts program, she is just too afraid to go it alone and really see what the world holds, she just isn't driven, she really fears true independence, she isn't taking advantage of the opportunities outside the world she has created here...

I know this all stems from a love for me and a desire for me to have and do what's best. I get that and appreciate it. I want that too, and for now I think "the best" is manifested in simpler things - things that may not measure up on a global scale of success. (What's also interesting, too, is the suggestions above usually come from friends who have at some point traveled extensively and/or lived overseas, relocated several times either for a job or for the adventure of doing so, or climbed the degree ladder and/or pursued their career to a higher level of "prestige.") We really do only know how to advise based on our own experiences or regrets of not having certain experiences....

What was so wonderful about this trip was the time of quiet I had -- even admist a tourist-bustling Paris. In this quiet, I was able to take the time to mentally wittle down all the possibilities, far and near, to what I really want at this point.

• I want to find a job that enables me to contribute positively to society w/o having to compromise my ethics or sit in front of a computer screen all day, that enables me to make enough money to cover the basics....and still have the occasional treat or trip if possible, and that enables me to devote the time I'd like to give to growing artistically.
• I want to be as near as I can to the people I love.
• I want to finally be confidant enough in what I offer to the world so that whoever becomes a part of my life is not a missing piece of the puzzle, but rather someone who admires the fact that I put the puzzle together myself and now wants to start putting together a new puzzle - with me.
• I want to finish a collection of poems before the year ends.
• I want to direct a play sometime in the nearish future.
• I want to continue voice lessons.
• I want to get involved in some acting classes and writing workshops.
• I want to be preparing for a theatre or musical production as often as I can.
• I want to be open to the unexpected, even if that means not having or doing some of the above.

I'm not discounting living in another country or city or getting my doctorate, but it is just as wonderful and just as valid that I am here and might stay here. I will always want to travel, and I will always want to know more, but I do know, now more than ever, that I will always want to come home.

Below was today's Writer's Almanac poem. I needed it after a week of being back in the "real world" and the certainty of my uncertainty.

The Real Work

by Wendell Berry

It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

"The Real Work" by Wendell Berry, from Standing by Words.